Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I want to be a house wife/office queen.

I want the pretty skirts and the cashmere sweaters and the elegant but durable apron and I want to be used to wearing heels and pretty pink nails. I want to always have beautiful hair all done up and I want to be an excellent cook.
I want to have a garden with peonies, lavender, mint, roses, pumpkins, tomatoes, lilacs, and petunias.
I want to throw great parties.
I want to have something prepared for my husband when he gets home. I want my kids to prefer my food to eating out and I want their friends to love me and my cooking and my home.
At the same time,
I want to be a baracuda at the office.
I want to accomplish what people said couldn't be done and I want to do it in a pencil skirt.
I want to be able to do the math in my head and I want to intimidate my coworkers while also befriending them.
I want to drink wine at dinner meetings and have ruthless logic.
I want to have an office with walls of window on the top floor and I want room service with it.
I want to travel the world for work and fly first class.
I want to be so successful, that I can share my success with those less fortunate. I want to throw parties in support of breast cancer and MS.

Is that too much to ask?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I love What If's.

The idea of knowing that there are an infinite number of alternative routes you could have taken in your life blows my mind.
At any one point, you can make a decision and you could've made a million other decisions that would have taken your life in a completley different direction.
Just as it blows my mind, it also scares me shitless.
Which so many options to pick from, what if we make a mistake? What if we go down the wrong path?
How can you tell which decision is the absolute best?
You can't.
And you can't go back and redo it.
Life is so terrifying sometimes. All I want is to have a warm bed to come home to, a warm meal once in a while, and my boy to hold my hand.
But there are so many other things worth pursuing. I literately have an entire globe under my feet, how do I know where to start or what to hold on to?
I won't know until I've come to the end of that many forked road and looked back.
And all I can hope for is that I can accept myself when all is said and done.