Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Learning something every day!

I'm watching my boyfriend do his homework with his music in his ears and his eyes on his paper. He's such a hard worker and driven to such great success.
Sometimes I wish he would drop it for a minute just to be with and hold me.
But that drive and focus that keeps him glued to his desk is what I fell in love with.
Women really are a bundle of contradictions...
Times like that, it's difficult to find all the small things he did for me that day that shows he does love me even while he's doing homework.
Like the fact that he went to the gym and rode the bike with me.
And while I cried and moaned about my worries and needs, he looked me straight in the eye and listened.
Somehow I need to find a way to relax.
To draw some sewn seeds in a previous post, I need to find a way to eradicate those notions of insecurity and nervousness. How can I do that? Can he help me with that?
Is this something that spawns from an internal storm or something in me reacting to an external force?
Thank goodness I'm taking Psychology... maybe my questions will really be answered.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

:*(

The intimate relationship the beauty industry tries to establish with me is freaking me out.
Not only does it bash you into feeling like a creature of the night in need of a warm bath and love, but it also promises to make you whole.

"I just want to love myself."
"We can do that."
That's a lie.

All they want is for you to try and fill those dark holes in your life with collagen and cover them up with powders and scrub them out with Microclear beads.

Lately I've been battling for self acceptance and contentment in this area.
I'm not getting help.
No matter how much I spend, I don't love myself more.
I'm not happy with how I look and those that search me out and promise to help don't have my interests at heart, they have my wallet in mind.

"How much are you willing to pay for self acceptance?"

Apparently way too much.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The time of our lives?

I saw the movie "Children of Men" last night. Before I begin to talk about it and its ideas, I want to make a firm statement telling all of you to see it as well. It's a finely crafted, beautifully executed film that can move even that asshole Ironman.
Okay, onto the good stuff.
The premise is that the end of the human race is nigh. Women and men have become inexplicably infertile and a childs cry hasn't been heard in over 18 years.
It's pre-apocolyptic in a sense.
The entire world is falling apart in this despair and even the so-called "haven", England, is falling apart to terrorism and destruction.
However, there is hope. A simple rumor of a collection of sages working together for the extension of the human race. Of course, it's only believed in by those who see UFOs on the daily and smoke weed.
But it's hope nonetheless.
But I didn't come here to write a summary of the story.
I came to talk about something that has been on my mind since the movie ended.
Seeing those potential mothers in such despair and those fathers in dreaming in equal torment nearly broke my heart.
You begin to ask yourself, what's the point of doing anything if you have no one to share it with. To pass it onto.
To brag to and impress.
The youngest person alive was 18 and after that...
Nothing.
Can you imagine NOTHING being the only thing in your fellow mans future?
Some creatures solely live to procreate. They die shortly after. Salmon spend their whole lives preparing for that moment. They battle with unspeakable odds, go under gruesome (and kind of creepy) transformations, and fight the good fight. But it's all gone after the eggs have been laid. They die.
But THEY as a species do not!
They may die, but in half a blink of Gods eye their little babies are at it, just the same as their parents. They live on, carrying on the salmon way.
What if that stops?
We would have no future as a race. Nothing to dream about for our children.
Not even children to dream for.
If we have any rights as living creatures, it is to procreate just like the rest of the breathing Earth.
To lose that right is terrifying. To all-of-a-sudden lose hold of the most sacred and ancient right, it's to die instantly.
Maybe not yourself, maybe you live a horrendously long time.
But your race dies.
You future as mankind dies.
Although it may be attributed to wonderful acting, the hopelessness of those women who could no longer bear the noble title of Mother brought me to a multitude of unadulterated and unstoppable tears.
It was the absolute blackest truth of having no future.
And I tell you, my friends, I wept at the face of such a "future". I cried for every baby that didn't exist to cry. I cried for every woman that couldn't get to cry on their kids' first day of school. I cried for every man who didn't get to walk a daughter down the aisle.
What a black, black future that could be.
Let's cross our fingers.